why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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