In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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