Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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