I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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