I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
