Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
