Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
