where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
