I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
