like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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