fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
