Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
