i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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