Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
