that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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