it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
