what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
its liver damage thursday
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
