I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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