well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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