My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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