Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
