shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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