I think I won the penis lottery.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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