Soap is not a condiment
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
