My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
