why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
