apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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