omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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