i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I have fence marks all over my body
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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