I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
