guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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