i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
