Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
