I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
