I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
