I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
