Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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