took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
