just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I cut my penus on the lid.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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