My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
