I will die if light touches me.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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