I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
