If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
