guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
