Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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