It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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