i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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