I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
im holly from the hills drunk
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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