Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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