whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she smelled like a LAN party
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
