Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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