Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
