Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
